McDonald’s Is Not Making You Fat, You Are

Posted on: April 16, 2012

As someone who is morbidly obese (though I hate that term more than anything), I feel only too qualified to point out what so few people seem to realize: McDonald’s is not making you fat.

Do you know why Morgan Spurlock got sick after eating Big Macs every day for a month? It’s not because McDonald’s puts rat poison in their beef or because the cows they slaughter ate grass from Hitler’s front lawn. It’s because NO ONE SHOULD EAT THAT CRAP EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH.

There is one thing – and one thing only – that will make you lose weight (assuming you don’t have some type of glandular problem) and that is moderation. Eat right and exercise. There you go. That’s the diet secret that Weight Watchers and the creators of Acai Berry don’t want you to know. You don’t need meals home delivered to your door. You just need to STOP EATING SO MUCH and take a fucking walk.

So then why are there so many fat people out there galumphing around with their sweaty faces, you ask? Well let me explain. Because that shit is fucking hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. I am addicted to binge eating. For me, eating a singular portion of anything is like eating a crumb. My mind craves tacos 24/7. I am like a heroin addict, and I must spend my ENTIRE LIFE fighting the most intense cravings for copious quantities of pizza and cheeseburgers and the WORST FOODS EVER. The top ten list of foods your doctor says never to eat, are the precise foods that keep me up at night. But addiction is a war, and so I fight. Or at least I try.

To date, I lost 140 pounds, then I gained back 90, then I lost 25, and then I gained back I don’t know how many because I haven’t been on the scale in two weeks. Like I said: the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life.

But this notion that somehow fast food is to blame really sticks in my craw. Earlier today, Jezebel brought to my attention an article from USA TODAY in which the activist group Corporate Accountability International is seeking to have hospitals sever their greasy ties with McDonald’s food chains. Why? Don’t you get that people who overeat will overeat whatever they can overeat? You can take McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy’s, and all the Pizza Hut and Dominos chains and bury them at the bottom of the sea, and people like me will just sit home and binge on bacon cheeseburgers we cook ourselves. Just because you make them on the George Foreman grill doesn’t mean you can eat ten of them. And this is why I get so annoyed when people give me diet advice. I KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. No one tells alcoholics, the trick is just stop drinking. Because society understands that alcoholics have an addiction problem. Food addiction is kind of like pot addiction; it rarely gets identified as an actual addiction and it mostly just gets met with eye rolls and snickers.

The proof is in the pudding (pun intended); have you ever seen skinny people at McDonald’s? You have?? Well how on earth are they avoiding the lard-laden fray? Snarkiness aside, the truth is right in front of us; I know because I live it. Losing weight is science and math. You must expel more than you intake. If you do, you lose. If you don’t, you gain. Sure, genetics and environmental factors play a role in how proportionate you are and what kind of foods you can afford (sadly, the bad food is the cheapest), but at the end of the day the food chains are not to blame. McDonald’s has its purpose, to give people who can’t afford Starbucks a place to get coffee on their way to work. You can dismantle the Egg McMuffins all you want; you can force them to sell salads and apple slices, but IF PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH FOOD, THEY WILL FIND A WAY TO OVEREAT.

Since I’m not a doctor, I can only speak for myself. When my parents recognized that, if left to my own devices, I would literally eat until I puked, they tried their hardest to monitor what I ate. This left me with little opportunity to binge. So I waited until I was at school and I ate out of the garbage. I went across the street to the supermarket after school and shoplifted Hormel pepperoni. I FOUND A WAY. Granted, I’m an extreme case, but I don’t believe that obesity exists in a vacuum. There are plenty of people out there with my same problem. The solution is easy, it’s the doing it that’s hard. To get from simply having the knowledge to being able to utilize that knowledge in some kind of healthy way that results in longevity of life, now THAT’S the real question. But you can bet the answer’s got nothing to do with parfaits.


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